|Season 1, Episode 8|
|Air date||September 28, 2015|
|Written by||Alfie Oulton & Josh Pollitt|
|Directed by||Team Orangutan|
|The Job||Readdressed Problem|
(Mike is playing with John)
Mike: Come on, John! Come on!
Alex: Dude, Mike must be the most awesome dog owner ever. I wish he was my owner.
Kyle: Your owner?
Alex: I’m a dingo.
Alex: It’s a dog breed.
Kyle: Oh. Hey, didn’t you have a dog once though?
Alex: Uhhh-no. I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Kyle: Yeah, his name was Mark wasn’t it?
Alex: It-(he coughs)-it was Mulland and that was a long time ago.
Mike: What are you guys talking about?
Kyle: Alex’s old dog.
Mike: He’s in his twenties. He’s not that old.
Kyle: No, he used to have a dog.
Mike: Oh, how long did it take you to get your dog to respect you?
Alex: I don’t know, it was years ago when I had him.
Mike: Okay, me and John weren’t always good.
Alex: You weren’t?
Kyle: But you guys are like best friends!
Mike: Believe it or not, but I almost died thanks to John.
Mike: Alright, it was about 13 years ago… I became 20.
(Mike is sleeping, when he suddenly wakes up to his family shouting surprise)
Mike’s Family: SURPRISE!
Mike: Wha’! Guys! What time is it!?
Mike’s Mom: It’s 5am.
Mike’s Dad: You’re now in your twenties, meaning that you must know what it’s like to wake up super early in the morning.
Mike: But that’s only because of stupid Harold!
Mike’s Mom: You can’t blame it on the dog. He’s only an animal!
Mike: Uhh. Aren’t we all orangutans?
Mike’s Dad: What your mom is trying to say is-Yes. It’s Harold. So we’re giving him to you. He’s 100% your responsibility.
Mike’s Mom: So be responsible.
Mike’s Dad: Any waste, you pick it up.
Mike’s Mom: Any babies, you take care of them.
Mike: I get it! I get it! Now get out!
(he slams the door)
Mike: Harold! Get over here! You’re mine now. I guess.
(Harold stares at him)
Mike: Let’s take you for a walk.
(I Ran by A Flock of Seagulls plays)
(Mike is running with Harold on the lead, they start running everywhere)
Mike: Okay, we’ve ran around the city 5 times now. Are we done now?
(Harold is shown smiling, but then stops)
(I Ran plays some more)
(they run more)
Mike: Finally! Woo! (he lets go of Harold’s lead and he runs off) Dang it.
(cut to later at night)
Mike: So, yeah, he ran away.
(Harold suddenly busts through the door, looking extremely overweight)
Mike: What’s he been eating?
(he wakes up at the hospital)
Doctor: It seems that Harold is pregnant.
Mike: This makes no sense. Harold is a boy.
Doctor: No. Harold is female. You didn’t check, didn’t you?
Mike: Why would I even-urgh! Why is his name Harold?
Doctor: You mean her?
Mike: Yes, whatever!
(Cut to 1 year later)
Mike’s Mom: Mike! Where’s Harold?
Mike: He ran away again. It’s hard being responsible for 16 dogs!
Mike’s Dad: My favourite dog is Dan.
Mike’s Mom: Mine is Ben.
Mike: We don’t have any dogs called Dan or Ben…
Mike’s Dad: What are their names again?
Mike: Barry, Gary, Harry, Larry, Terry, Will, all of those have “the second”s, Sky, Elvis and-
Mike’s Mom: And?
Mike: I hate him.
Mike’s Mom: Why?
Mike: Listen to his voice.
Mike’s Dad: He can’t speak.
Mike: Oh really? John! Speak!
John: I am a dog. Bark, bark.
Mike’s Dad: That sounds nothing like a dog.
Mike’s Mom: And he has no expression in his voice.
John: John is offended, deeply.
Mike’s Dad: But he’s so awesome!
Mike: Come on, John. Let’s go look for your mom.
Mike: Come on!
John: I will not do what the peasant tells me to do.
John: I will listen to all conspiracy theories that the internet puts out about this.
Mike: Let’s just go.
(cut to a mountain)
Mike: John, what do you like to do when playing?
John: I like biology.
Mike: Yeah, yeah. Great.
John: John is tired of this nonsense.
(John does a leap of faith off of the mountain)
Mike: No! John!
(Mike reaches out with his long arms)
Mike: No! They’re not long enough!
(John is just spinning in the air, then lands on all fours and looks at Mike)
John: Come down.
Mike: I’ll die!
John: I am not a dog.
Mike: Obviously you’re not! You can talk and do strange stunts!
John: One of my fathers is Grütish, I have a small Grütish power.
Mike: WHAT!? You know what, I’m just gonna jump!
(he jumps to Jesu Joy of a Man’s Desiring)
(very slowly, you see Mike quickly approaching the ground while screaming)
(Mike bashes against the ground and the music ends)
John: My bad.
(music plays as John legs it to the closest telephone box and calls the ambulance)
Dispatch: We have a harmed animal, get to the mountain as soon as possible!
(Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground plays)
Mike: Ugh. John! John! Please! I just wanted you to respect me! The truth is-(he coughs really badly)-You’re my favourite! You’re my favourite dog! I love you, man!
(he sees doctors look at him)
Mike: Who are you guys?
(he notices John)
Mike: John! John!
John: I called the ambulance for you. It was all part of respect.
Mike: John! You did it for me! For-(he coughs again)-Respect.
(the music ends and the screen blanks out)
Mike (VO): It was a few rough months for me then in the hospital. But ever since then, John and I had been extremely close.
(cut to modern day)
Alex: And what about all those other dogs of yours?
Mike: I still own them. Turns out they all had a smaller Grütish power in them too, but they can’t talk. But they can an expanded life.
Kyle: That was touching, man.
Kyle: Do you know how Alex’s dog we-
Alex: He got hit by a car. That was it.
Mike: Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.
Alex: Meh, it was awhile ago.
Mike: Yeah. Hey John!
(John turns around and runs to Mike)
(John hi-fives Mike)
Mike: Good boy.
References to IRL Edit
- Three real-life songs play in this episode, I Ran by "A Flock of Seagulls", Jesu Joy of a Man's Desiring and Pale Blue Eyes (song) by "The Velvet Underground".